Takes on MMA

Posted: October 15, 2010 in Marketing, PR, UFC

Well, after starting the week with Wanderlei Silva fighting Popeye the Sailor man, I wanted to close the week on a similar note of ridiculousness. Enter  I’m not sure how hold these two pieces are since nothing is dated, but behold: The keys to defeating UFC Champion George St. Pierre and Cracked’s take on the current list of UFC Hall of Famers.

The UFC Hall of Fame According to

The UFC Hall of Fame is where fighters are recognized as the greatest ass-kickers of all time. Such a display of machismo is enough to make a straight man gay, and a gay woman moist.

Just The Facts
1.    In the documentary “Ultimate Fighting: A Fistful of Dollars” Rorion Gracie said he considered electrifying the walls of the Octagon, lacing the walls with barbed wire, and surrounding the outside of the Octagon with a moat full of man eating sharks….. in order to draw a crowd.
2.    I’m not making that up
3.    No….. seriously

Royce Gracie (Inducted on November 21, 2003)
Fighting Style: Choke you like a motherfucker

Royce Gracie was the first ever UFC tournament champion. Back in the old days (The old days in this case being 1993 – 1998), the UFC was a tournament, meaning fighters competed in several fights in one night. Which stopped being cool when Steve Jennum came in as an alternate and won the UFC 3 tournament by beating Harold Howard. Jennum hadn’t fought all night while Howard was exhausted. Which kinda made him the UFC’s version of that guy who plays Super Smash Bro’s and just stands on the far side of the screen letting the other guys kill each other; then beats the last guy who’s down to his last life.

This is before America knew what Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu was. So most fighters competing were large, muscly tough guys and college wrestling champions. Royce Gracie was around 175 lbs. This causes many fans to think of his fights as a David vs Goliath scenario….. but I have a different view on the subject.

You see… the UFC was founded by Royce’s half brother, Rorion Gracie. Their father, Helio Gracie, specifically chose Royce to represent his family in the tournament. You know how people who work at McDonald’s can’t participate in the Monopoly contests…. this is walking that line. His family started the UFC and specifically chose Royce to compete. So he’s not so much David defending himself from an onslaught of Goliaths picking on him after school and stealing his lunch money…. It’s more like a guy picking a fight just to show off to his friends.

Ken Shamrock (Inducted on November 21, 2003)
Fighting Style: Squeeze you like a motherfucker

Born Kenneth Wayne Kilpatrick, Ken Shamrock was abandoned as a child. He was adopted by Bob Shamrock who ran a facility for troubled youth. Ken was crowned the first King of Pancrase, the first UFC Superfight Champion, and the first WMMAA Heavyweight Champion. Remember earlier when I said early competitors were big muscly guys instead of submission experts like Gracie? Well Ken is a big muscly submission expert; which gave him a nickname among MMA fans…. The World’s Most Dangerous Man.

Ken is primarily a Shootfighter. It’s pretty much a combination of wrestling, jiu-jitsu, and softcore pornography. He slams you down, grabs your leg, then goes APE SHIT with it.

Dan “The Beast” Severn (Inducted on April 16, 2005)
Fighting Style: Throw you like a motherfucker

Dan Severn was a 4 time All American wrestler at Arizona State University. His accomplishments include: CFA Heavyweight champion, Gladiator Challenge Superfight Heavyweight champion, UFC Superfight champion, UFC 5 Tournament winner, UFC Ultimate Ultimate Tournament winner and having a sweet, sweet porno moustache.

He is also one of the few fighters to reach the 100 fight mark. At the time this was written, Severn’s MMA record is 93-16-7. If you’re not that keen on sports, that’s a damn good personal record. Dan severn continues to fight to this day. He recently beat Candadian fighter, Sam Flood, by Guillotine Choke at King of the Cage- Fearless on April, 24th, 2010. Dan Severn is 52 years old.

Most of these clips are from his professional wrestling days. But it’s still damn impressive.
Randy “The Natural” Couture (Inducted on June 24, 2006)
Fighting Style: Beat you like a motherfucker

The most beloved man in MMA history, Randy Couture is an American hero and a true legend of the sport. Randy’s fighting style can be described as strategically gaining adventageous positions and unleashing an onslaught of punches. Watching him fight is like watching somebody play video games against the computer on easy mode. Randy is a former 3-time Heavyweight champion and former 2-time Light Heavyweight champion. He is still a force to be reckoned with, despite his handicap of being older than dirt. Couture was an Olympic alternate for Greco-Roman wrestling; a skill he used to figuratively, and in one case literally, spank the competition.

Mark “The Hammer” Coleman (Inducted on March 1, 2008)
Fighting Style: Pound you like a motherfucker

The godfather of ground and pound. Mark Coleman proved to all of us the dominating force of a decent wrestler. He was the Pride 2000 Grand Prix Champion and the first official UFC Heavyweight Champion after defeating the Superfight champion, Dan Severn. Coleman’s strategy is predictable and often unstoppable. His Olympic wrestling credentials ensure he will take you to the mat; and his nickname foreshadows the inevitable. He’ll beat you like a newlywed husband who is “just under a lot of stress right now”.

Chuck “The Iceman” Liddell (Inducted on July 10, 2009)
Fighting Style: Punch you like a motherfucker

Don’t even give me that bullshit. You know exactly who he is. Chuck Liddell is the probably the most well known fighter in UFC history. Rocking a sweet mohawk and beer-gut, The Iceman helped bring MMA into mainstream pop culture. Liddell has beaten the best of the division, usually by KO. Top-level competitors like: Kevin Randleman, Randy Couture, Renato Sobral, Tito Ortiz, Jeremy Horn, Vitor Belfort, Wanderlei Silva….. you get the point. Chuck’s overhand right is one of the most feared weapons in MMA,; which paved his path to the Light Heavyweight championship. He’s also an expert at the game keep-away. Because once he had the belt, he wouldn’t let anyone have it for over a year. It’s hard to imagine Chuck doing anything else in his life besides fighting. *sigh*

Charles “Mask” Lewis, Jr. (Inducted on July 10, 2009)
Fighting Style: Sell t-shirts like a motherfucker

Charles “Mask” Lewis was inducted into The UFC Hall of Fame with a record of 0-0-0. Mask was the co-founder of the clothing company, TapouT, which remains one of the UFC’s biggest sponsors. The legend of Mask is like a rags to riches story. (But he still wears the rags as a big “Fuck You” to the cliche.) He started TapouT by selling t-shirts out of his car at UFC events hoping to make a quick buck. We should mention now that Mask was killed in 2009 when his Ferrari 360 Challenge Stradale collided with a 1977 Porsche. Most of us won’t have the luxury to die in such a badass manner.

I made myself sad

Mask was inducted after his death, as a tribute to his contributions to the UFC.

Matt Hughes (Inducted on May 28, 2010)
Fighting Style: Slam you like a motherfucker

It’s about damn time. I’ve been pacing back in forth in my dimly-lit room muttering bible verses, just WAITING for Matt Hughes to be inducted to the Hall of Fame. Matt Hughes spent much of his life on the family farm; and those hours of manual labor gifted him with superhuman strength, unbelievable speed, and probably heat vision. Matt Hughes used his All-American wrestling ability to dominate the Welterweight division and hold the championship belt for almost 3 years. Then held the title AGAIN for 2 more years. Many fighters like to trade blows with their opponent, hoping to knock them out. Other fighters like to go to the ground and sneak in a choke. Matt uses a different strategy. He picks you up and slams you on the ground until you break. Hughes used this strategy to dominate the Welterweight division for years.

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